'This Love'

An old school, an alma mater. An evergreen place of dreams and childish wishes. A hideaway from the harsh and ugly realities of the outside world, that place of hard, unbending pain and suffering. It was a home away from home, a place I remember fondly even in my dark dreams at night.

I still see his face before me, happy and smiling. He said I brought him happiness. I often wondered how then. I still do. But I also remember how hard it was for him to convince me that I was truly important and as lovable as he said I was. I remember telling him all my faults and blemishes, but still, he made me feel cherished.

I didn’t know then how he was to become an important part of me, a vital organ that I could not do without. When I first met him, I was ignorant of the ultimate outcome. I never knew he would be the one I was looking for. When he met me, he said he knew he had found me. He said I didn’t know it then, but I was like a bright beacon shining out to the sailors, shining out to him that his harbour was near. He realized that I was unaware, and so proceeded slowly, like a ship in uncertain waters. For I was uncertain waters to him, for he feared he would scare me away.

And I would have, if he had not first made friends with me. He took me to cultural festivals, giving me candy treats. We went to the book fair looking for texts and personal interests’ books. On a whim, we strolled down the cemetery field at noon, reading out the names of lovers lying side by side, couples who died close together, young children went before their time, lonely individuals who had no family, and prayed for them all. On holidays, he enjoyed taking me to different restaurants to pig out. I guess I fell for the ‘big brother’ I thought he was.

But wise and sensitive as he is, he let me accustom myself to the fact that I was falling in love with him, before he sprung the secret he kept inside his heart for so long. It was a year after we met in the courtyard that he admitted his feelings for me and I accepted him finally and totally. The skies opened, knowing that we both loved rain and we frolicked in the rain like children. I never knew love so well and was finally content.

We pledged our love, vowing to keep it pure and beautiful. We promised to be there for each other, never to part, and always respect each other. We knew that there would be times when we might disagree, when we might be displeased, but we swore to each other that we would not walk out angry and hateful. We knew that there would be times when we needed to be alone, and we would respect that. I might not always say the most sensible things, and he might not always be aware of the things he does that hurt me. The bottom line was, if we loved each other enough, we could overcome whatever unseen difficulties that might arise.

It was one of those mid summer festivals that our school celebrated. The old boys and girls were invited to join the festivals. Andy and I had only left the alma mater last year. We were thrilled about the outing and went gleefully. I had promised my little cousin to bring back candy for her. Andy said I spoiled her too much, but I laughed it off.

There were food stalls and little trinket stalls at the road side. There were also candy stalls, where I bought sweets and chocolate. There were game stalls that Andy played and lost. I teased him mercilessly and he finally won a little stuffed bear. Further down there was a dance going on. At first the crowd was too much for me, I stayed behind. He went up ahead to look, not knowing I was clinging back.

As I watched Andy push his way through the crowd, I recalled the way we met. It was on a very crowded courtyard. I hated crowds and when I was trying to squeeze through to get to my class, I couldn’t be bothered to look around at other people. And yet two years ago, through that crowd Andy said he saw his beacon light. I couldn’t help but feel wonder and bewilderment. If Andy didn’t see me then, would I have been able to spot him in another similar incident?

Suddenly I didn’t care. I found him. Or rather, he found me. Suddenly I felt that it would be devastating if he turned and missed me. I ran up quickly and pushed through the bodies, trying to reach my beacon light. Once I told myself long ago, that if and when I do find my harbour, I would never let go, never lose sight of that dear beacon light. No, I will overcome every obstacle that keeps me from my shining light.

Andy turned and stretched out his hand just as I reached him, just as if he knew I would be there. He pulled me towards his body and wrapped his arms round to prevent from me from breaking away. He guided me forward and we were suddenly in a clearing, prepared for a traditional dance. He looked at me in a ‘Are you ready?’ look and I returned with a ‘Any time you are.’ look. He and I joined several other couples and took our places for the dance. Though I didn’t know the dance, I felt assured with his arms round me that I would manage. I surrendered myself and let him guide me along the dancesteps. Soon I felt myself moving along to the rhythm of the dance and found I understood the steps.

At one point in time, I found my back leaning against his chest. I looked up at him, and saw his beautiful side profile with its strong jaw line. All of a sudden it felt as though time froze for us. I could see us together, locked in each other’s arms, unmoving and motionless; as if set in a frame for future lovers, to reflect and ponder upon their own love and compare it to this portrait drawn by some unknown artist, who had the insight of capturing this strange couple in this unique pose.

It was rather late when we prepared to leave. We were giddy with joy and love. I had bought too much candy, Andy said. And I said he had drunk too much coconut wine at the fair. At the roadside, I dropped the candy bag. I bent to pick the fallen candy and never saw the approaching car hit Andy. I turned, after hearing a sickening crunch, to see him ash-faced with blood dripping down his forehead. I couldn’t find my voice. I screamed his name, but the words couldn’t be heard. As he threatened to fall, I reached up and caught him midway.

My mind was screaming on and on, but I pulled Andy’s arm over my neck and dragged him back to the school gates. A few men were sitting at the gates. I guided Andy to one chair and went up to the men, pulling at their sleeves silently begging for help. One ran off in the direction of the main hall. I went back to Andy, silently crying and wiping the streaming blood with my handkerchief in vain.

He was weak, too tired to move from where I left him. I knew that I was losing him. Still I couldn’t find my voice. He opened his eyes and looked at me lingeringly. Then he lifted himself as much as he could, put one arm round my waist and rested his head on my shoulder. I felt his breath on my neck, felt the blood trickle down my back, felt his life leaving me. And still I couldn’t speak. I was weeping, holding him tightly in my embrace, willing him to stay. He was telling me not to cry. I only cried harder. I was begging him to stay. I felt him kiss my neck one last time, as he murmured his love.

Sadly, we couldn’t overcome death. I couldn’t beat death. Every time I walk pass this old school or meet up with friends who knew him, I am reminded of that cruel fact. Perhaps one day soon, I’ll be able to understand the things that happen in my life. Perhaps then, I can accept that there is a reason for the things that happen. I pray that I will understand why my love was found so late in life, and taken away so early in its beginnings. I pray that time can heal my heart and ease its pains. But for now, I can only replay those last words in my mind. Those words that wake me up every morning and lull me to sleep every night. The only words that keep me strong.

I love you.